Information?! Gimme a frickin break!

They need to change the name of the "service" that we reach when we dial 411.

Currently, it is globally accepted to call this so-called service "Information." I would like to advance my position that the name of this service be officially changed to "Crap Shoot."

Typical dialing event:

Me: (Full of fear and loathing, tinged by a miniscule shred of hope) dialing: 4. 1. 1.
"Automated THEM:" City and State, please.

Me: New York, New York.

"THEM:" I'm sorry. Please state the City and State again.

Me: New York, New York.

"THEM:" City please.

Me: New York

"THEM:" What State?

Me: New York. New York CITY, State of New York. USA. North America.

"THEM:" (snidely, as I've taken too much of their time, already) Listing, please.

Me: Somesuch Media Company

"THEM:" Palmstuck Media Company? One moment please...

Me: No! No, Somesuch! S as in Sam.

"THEM:" Thank you. One moment please... We have no Somesuch Media Company. Have a nice d--

Me: No! Wait! Please search again. The address is 12345 Fifth Avenue, New York City, NY.

"THEM:" (exaggerated sigh) One moment please... I have Somesuch Drycleaners And Pawn on Fifth Avenue. Have a nice d--

Me: No! Wait! That's not the number I need. It is a Media Company! They've been in business for 27 years, at the same address. I've called them before, I've gotten the number from information before! YOU HAVE THE NUMBER!

"THEM:" Look, ma'am I have the computer right in front of me and do not have your listing...

Me: S. O. M. E. S. U. C. H.

"THEM:" Hold for your number. click.

"Automated THEM:" The number you requested (remember this statement, readers!) is: 123-555-4567.

Me: Like an insipid dolt, I fall for it, again. I dial the number. 123-555-4567.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Oblivious Stranger: Westwood Ridge Yo-Yo Academy. May I help you?

Me: I'm sorry, I've been given the wrong number.

Suspicious Oblivious Stranger: Do you have a child enrolled here? How did you get this number?

Me: Information gave me your number. It's not the right number, sorry.

Officious Oblivious Stranger: Well! What number did you dial?

Me: 123-555-4567

Indignant Oblivious Stranger: Well! That is indeed our number, ma'am. Who were you trying to call?

Me: Nobody you know.

Offended Oblivious Stranger: Please don't call this number again if you have no business with us.

Me: Sorry. I'll try like hell not to call you again.

Outraged Oblivious Stranger: CLICK.

Is it just me?! Am I the only one?! Is there some governmental initiative afloat to keep just me in a perpetual state of confusion and ignorance? Perhaps the work I do is counterintuitive to some secret agency directive to blight out the mixed bag of karaoke, website administration, writing and television production. Yes! That must be it! Operation KWAWT STOP.

Years back, in the throes of youthful naivete, I did attempt to call "Information" back and get the correct number. Once or twice, I even suggested that the phone company return the .35 cents that I'd been charged for the erroneous information given. Ho HO! The folly of youth!

To expose this side of an already dark story, I'd have to slap an NC-17 rating on my blog, so it will remain untold. Suffice to say, I don't sleep well at night.

It is probably a modest approximation, but I assert that the 411 Information Service (oxymorons, all) has cost me 233 productive hours and close to $3,000 in fees.

Yes, the name must be changed from 411 Information Sevice to 411 Crap Shoot Disservice to accurately reflect the average consumer experience.

It is my personal agenda to advance this campaign. I will fight tirelessly to expose this unseemly conspiracy against all KWAWTs and any other group so unfairly targeted and terrorized on our nation's phone lines. I may be in grave danger and have to go underground for awhile.

If anything ever happens to me, please call Clarice at 603-555-9876. I was given her number by mistake back in 2003 when attempting a call to Starbucks headquarters to complete some research I was doing for a show premise. Turns out, many people are given her number by "mistake" and we talked for hours and hours about the serious implications of this fact.

She is currently building a database of mis-directed callers and is conducting research of her own on this evil phenomena, which she hopes to publish in support of my campaign.

If you've been affected by the despicable practices of the 411 Crap Shoot Disservice, please feel free to share your stories.

Together, we can change the world!